Alan Colmes (and the I-Man?) Challenge Bernard's Warped View on...Everything

As they tried to ignore the Mao-like presence of Imus on a television screen looming overhead, Alan Colmes and Bernard McGuirk nearly came to blows over gay marriage, Afghanistan, and Michele Bachmann, in that particular order.
 
Colmes, a Fox News contributor formerly of Hannity and, thinks same-sex marriage in New York was inevitable, and that it will proliferate around the country. Despite his support for gay rights, Bernard was less sure that a union between two men or two women should be called “marriage.”
 
“Something visceral about it doesn’t seem right,” he said, talking about the title. “It seems like they should give them all the rights, but call it something else.”
 
But marriage, Colmes noted, is a civil issue, not a religious one, even though the Catholic Church and other institutions have voiced their displeasure with the law. Imus suggested Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York spend more time worrying about priests sexually abusing children, to which Colmes enthusiastically replied, “I’m with you!”
 
Frustrated, Bernard noted what he perceives as an overabundance of anger from liberals attacking the Catholic Church on this issue. “Where are the Maureen Dowds, and the outrage over people like Tracy Morgan, and the things he said?” he wondered.
 
One thing, insisted Colmes, has nothing to do with the other, and he balked at Bernard’s claim that the problems of abuse in the Church were “a twentieth century phenomenon.”
 
But Bernard wouldn’t let up. “It’s convenient now to bring it up, because the agenda of the Church is against gay rights, against abortion, so let’s bash, bash, bash the church,” he said. “They can’t have a voice in a legitimate matter like this?”
 
Colmes (again) explained that the question of marriage is a civil one, and then abandoned civility entirely by questioning President Obama’s plan to remove 30,000 troops from Afghanistan by the end of next year.
 
“It’s not significant enough,” Colmes said of the number. “At the end of 2012, when he’s up for reelection, we’ll still have twice as many troops in Afghanistan as we had when he became president. It’s not clear what the mission is. Why are we there?”
 
For once, Bernard agreed with his sparring partner, but indicated that Obama is worse than President George W. Bush, who started this war in the first place, because he does not believe in the mission. “He’s doing it for politics,” Bernard said, adding, “It’s disgusting. He was elected to end the wars.”
 
Bernard segued into another hot topic by stating that Obama must halt nation-building in Afghanistan and “idiotic” missions like Libya before he even thinks about raising taxes.
 
“Don’t tell me you’re a deficit hawk, and you care about the deficit issue, but you’re not going to tax billionaires,” Colmes shot back.
 
Though he sounded plenty passionate, Imus accused his redheaded guest of being “out of it” this morning; you know, kinda like how Rep. Michele Bachmann, now an official Republican candidate for president, seems all the time?
 
“I wish Chris Wallace had not apologized for what was not even a serious question,” Colmes said, referring to Wallace asking Bachmann on Sunday if she was a flake—which, for the record, Colmes believes she is. “This morning she got it wrong on another show, saying John Quincy Adams was a founding father!”
 
Naturally, Bernard eagerly cited Obama’s missteps—he mispronounced the word “corpsman” on several occasions—but Colmes instructed him to come up another example.
 
“Bachmann is doing stuff today—today! She’s screwing up now!” Colmes said, adding that while it’s fun to watch her flail about, “She has no chance whatsoever.”
 
Baffled, Imus confessed, “I can’t believe I agree with Alan Colmes.”
 
-Julie Kanfer